going for a walk

Today my Mom and my son Bryan and I went for a walk - short distance but it felt like a big deal. First time in weeks. The sun was shining and I wanted to be outside. It felt good, even though I walk very slowly and gently. Sitting on the swings at his old elementary school, we all shared stories and it was a peaceful time.

My son Brandon played tennis outdoors later - wow - even at the end of December in Missouri! Before my first surgery there was a ton of snow. It is gone for now... I was grateful for the simple joy of going for a walk...

And today for the first time in quite a while, I thought of art-things and that was nice and it felt calm and new. There are two magazines that want me to work something up for them and I am approaching these in a different way than in the past. I am seeing things as NEW.

the course runs long and deep

Saying that you "have" cancer one day, and then entering into the life that follows is a course that runs long and deep... November 20th was the biopsy, and November 22nd seemed like a million years to wait for the results. You hear the words spoken to you and for me in that moment, I went numb. December 12th was the first surgery and then results meant that I needed a second surgery one week from the last. I am processing and healing and dreaming and hurting at times, resting at others and all together my life is changed.

So many people from everywhere it feels like are showering us with love and prayers and cards and expressions of heart that fill our lives, truly in a deep way. I had two dreams on the 21st and 22nd that I have to write down because they define this part of the course...

This is way past "creative edge" time... this is "life edge" time and I am standing strong with a lot of help from my friends.

From the spiritual to the silly, moments take on new meaning and I am determined not to miss what is in front of my face, and in places I have not noticed before...

getting ready for surgery...

I am getting ready for surgery on Tuesday, the 12th. My Mom comes in from New Mexico tomorrow and that is a bright light in my days. There are so many things that I have done quickly over many years. My son just asked me why I am moving slower these days... I couldn't answer that right away;I am moving slower these days, even with my answers it seems. It is not a sign that I am "sick" or depressed or anything other than I need more time to do each thing because I want to do it that way.

I am supposed to be as "relaxed" as possible for surgery. Relaxing with cancer is an interesting concept - can't quite wrap my head around that one yet, but I get the drift, just not the essence quite yet. It will all unfold as I continue on the path.

Okay, laundry calls and I am moving there. Okay, slower but with more gratitude than usual...